Young Writers Society

It was never about the scars that I couldn’t seem to count,
Not that you were ever worried about the exact amount.
I mean, do you really not remember me,
Four years old with my back to the door,
Crying, only trying to get you to see,
Everything he was turning out to be.

However, this didn’t seem to cross your mind,
When you spent practically no time,
Packing my bags and sending me to him.
You practically ran away, and now, after all the time it’s been,
How could you have become so blind?

For the love of a daughter,
No, not a daughter, but your daughter,
What would posses you to believe,
That he could do anything other than deceive,
The ones who love him, but are too weak to leave.

I never asked to understand what exactly it is that happened.
All those years have become settled dust from times I have chosen not to mend.
Maybe the past wasn’t written in pen for you like it was me,
But how could you have ever thought that his house would raise me happily?

As someone who battled cancer for seven years I never thought of you to be so weak.
I am not saying this to be cruel, nor do I wish to be too meek.
I am just hoping to find some peace and quiet,
From the shouts that have become riots in my own head,
Due to all the things I never quite said to you.

Cancers a pain and death comes with more,
But as a mother I won’t be too sure,
When my daughter comes to me and asks,
“Mama, why can daddy’s face turn into such an angry mask?”
I don’t lie, and I never tell someone exactly what it is that want to hear,
But my one great fear,
Is that I will wake up and understand why it is you could never be here,
For your daughter, for just little old me.

wow being able to write a poem like that is amazzing it was something i could never do most people write poetry based on there life did you and by the way you should writte more poems and allways remember dont listen to people who diss your poetry just listen to your heart and keeep up the great work and write more poetry ***panda21***

Amazing poem! You are such a good writer. I wish I could be able to write this long, cause everytime I tried,it is out of place and such. Yours are very good,I really like the meaning of this poem. But I seem to be a little unclear with this line?

Packing my bags and sending me to him.

. Anyway, this line is my favorite.

From the shouts that have become riots in my own head,

. Keep writing!

Hey, snowberry!

I really like the concept behind this poem and the implementation of the rhyme scheme (despite being quite unrefined). I like the story that you are trying to tell the reader and of the heartache of being left by a father and a husband. I can understand the sentiments very well in this poem and you've described the level of emotions nicely too.

But there were some instances where I felt that the poem lacked depth and lost its ground.

snowberry23 wrote:You practically ran away, and now, after all the time it’s been,

I felt that this line could have been more easily written down instead of packing so much in just one sentence. The whole line stands out from the entire stanza and looks awkward.

snowberry23 wrote:I never asked to understand what exactly it is that happened.
All those years have become settled dust from times I have chosen not to mend.
Maybe the past wasn’t written in pen for you like it was me,
But how could you have ever thought that his house would raise me happily?

The rhyme here seems too forced and it gives the impression that you are sacrificing the actual matter for the sake of rhyme. Because of this, the stanza loses its quality and becomes tedious to read.

snowberry23 wrote:As someone who battled cancer for seven years I never thought of you to be so weak.

I felt this to be quite a mouthful and there was too much information for just one line. Had you divided this line, it would sound much more better.

snowberry23 wrote:“Mama, why can daddy’s face turn into such an angry mask?”

I would suggest trying to rephrase this dialogue or perhaps change it entirely.

The rhyming was all over the place and there was never a correct rhyming structure that you followed in this piece. There were places where the rhyming was off and the entire flow of the poem got disrupted. Because of that, the poem lacked a certain fluidity to it. Also, try to simplify the sentences instead of elongating them to lengthy proportions. It will be much easier to digest and easier to continue reading the poem.

This poem does have its flaws but at the same time is unique to its context and gives the reader a story that is endearing and also emotion-packed. The poem is still raw and so with a little bit more polishing, you can make this poem better than it already is!

This is a really interesting piece and has a lot of potential. I would really like to see what you come up with next and I want to read more from you. So keep the ink flowing. You are a talented writer.

Murtuza