Young Writers Society

You should smile way more often
It gets me on such a high
Flash forward to the morning
And I wish I want to die
My brain in all directions
I cannot begin to tell
You make me think it's heaven
When in my mind it is hell

An urban landscape
A portait of souls
A desolate land
Ideals that dissolve

Specific parts of my brain
Are purged and always changing
Like a weak attempt to repair
Wounds that form scars and take me
To your arms into the dark
Stuttering and so hyper
By the time I finish up
Return to bitter rivals

Blocking my thinking
Blocking that hole
Blocking memories
The people dissolve

I love you with a passion
Sometimes I hate you that much
"Your son needs serious help"
"That guy's seriously fucked"
Same portions of dialogue
Looped over inside my head
Just the same old persistence
Something alive soon turns dead

Release the fury
Release the dismay
Release the anger
Jesus, the world these days

ADAM!!

AMAZING!!

Geez! It's like you always choose all the perfect words. It flows greatly, and every line makes sense.

I love the start, I love the end, and what's in between<333333333 Don't change anything, please! XD

~Your Twin, Solly<3

I really liked this! I connected with a couple parts. I have to say, your first line was what got me interested. It pulled me in.

A couple nit-picky things:

When in my mind it's hell

I think this would make it flow better with the rhymes.

Specific parts of my brain
Are purged and always changing
Like a weak attempt to repair
Wounds that form scars and take me
To your arms into the dark
Stuttering and so hyper
By the time I finish up
Return to bitter rivals

The highlighted red part I felt stood out awkwardly because they broke the rhythm that you had going. All the rest of the stanza, I just loved.

I love you with a passion
Sometimes I hate you that much
"Your son needs serious help"
"That guy's seriously fucked"
Same portions (The word doesn't fit, in my opinion. Try something like 'phrase' or 'section') of dialogue
Looped over inside my head
Just the same old persistence
Something alive soon turns dead

Release the fury
Release the dismay
Release the anger
Jesus, the world these days Just LOVE the ending.

I loved how your voice came through right until the end.Never stop writing.

Oh, dear, I love it!!

567ajt wrote:You should smile way more often
It gets me on such a high
Flash forward to the morning
And I wish I want to die
My brain in all directions
I cannot begin to tell
You make me think it's heaven
When in my mind it is hell

It is so like me... I mean, I identified with this part and I think everyone did, because you chose the right words, it flows nicely and sounds real.

GeeLyria wrote:Specific parts of my brain
Are purged and always changing
Like a weak attempt to repair
Wounds that form scars and take me
To your arms into the dark
Stuttering and so hyper
By the time I finish up
Return to bitter rivals

I have no words to tell you how much I love it!!


Oh, I'm feeling bad because I really wish I could help you... But your poem is so good and I identified so much with it that I can't find anything helpful to say...
Anyway, I love it, and I can't wait to read more from you!
Keep writing!!