Young Writers Society

An island I built, to hold myself,
A lofty height, a dusty shelf.
I travel light, across the rainy planes, the birds at my back.
A lonley road, across the rainy planes, a care-worn track.

A chill and misty morning dew,
Contains our crowd, the lingering few.
We'll sit on sodden flagstones here,
A smouldering stick, the source of cheer.

Our respective ladies, in daydreams lay.
They're awful busy, and cannot stay.
Tar-stained lungs recite our woes,
The lonely path, that we three chose.

"Let them fear awhile" I grumble,
"They shant be watching *our* spirits tumble!"
My companions nod, we slow our pace.
"Lets make a pact, a strong, brave face"

Their eyes flit across our forms, as we descend.
Their contempt plain, they shant pretend.
A cardboard mask, tear under cover.
Secrecy's our silent lover.

This is awesome! Are you professional? Seriously, this is great.

An island I built, to hold myself,
A lofty height, a dusty shelf.
I travel light, across the rainy planes, the birds at my back.
A lonley road, across the rainy planes, a care-worn track.

You might not have caught this, but you know, *lonely*.
Love the first stanza. You've established a rhyme scheme (I love rhymes!!), and given yourself, almost like a setting.

A chill and misty morning dew,
Contains our crowd, the lingering few.
We'll sit on sodden flagstones here,
A smouldering stick, the source of cheer.

I especially like the second line of this one. Super cool bro!
I'd review more, but I have to go to sleep. Good Job!

Hello I like the poem, but in some places your rhyme seems somewhat forced, and that messes up the flow.

An island I built, to hold myself,
A lofty height, a dusty shelf.
I travel light, across the rainy planes, the birds at my back.
A lonley road, across the rainy planes, a care-worn track.These two lines seem to say the same thing and are a little long in contrast to the two lines above. It doesn't have a very good flow, maybe you should shorten it, you could take out "across the rainy plains" in both, reading it it sounds better with out, but if it has a meaning that I'm not seeing then dont.

Our respective ladies, in daydreams lay.
They're awful busy, and cannot stay.
Tar-stained lungs recite our woes,
The lonely path, that we three chose.

I love this stanza, though, you say that there are only three of you but the first stanza makes it seem as if there are many?

I like the next stanza, the rhyme is good and so is the flow.

Their eyes flit across our forms, as we descend.
Their contempt plain, they shant pretend.
A cardboard mask, tear under cover.
Secrecy's our silent lover.

I'm sorry to say but I dont get this stanza... It might just be me though...

Overall, this has left me confussed. Maybe you should explain a little more what is going on, the scene seems to change from an island, to plains, to to kind of a desert. I dont really understand it but I may be missing the point here Though I did like your diction and the rhyme scheme.

~Rain