Young Writers Society

I like to think your world is silent
Whenever you’re not with me.
I like to think that I’ll be able to tell you tomorrow
But my dreams chase into next week.

Somewhere in your arms
It seemed as though we were both falling.

Just another day, I think
Then it’s next month.
Okay, I say, definitely next time.
But by then it’s already winter,
And my courage seems to have fallen asleep.

A summer breeze comes by,
And I watch my ice-cream melt.

You said you would miss me,
but with every longing stare at my phone
three months break my heart.

The broken blueness of yesterday
Holds every used midnight star
And every plucked eyelash.

Always remembering the thought of you
In tea cups with chipped rims
collecting a rain of tears.

In notches of the table,
Old stories resurface painfully.
And the etched scars on my hands
Tell of unsent, yellowed letters.

Remembering you
In someone else’s smile.
And little hopes that never seem to close.

But I can't fall any further,
I'm already on the ground.

I know how this feels, and I think this captured the kind of sad and heart-sore emotion that goes along with missing someone you can't see. I wasn't crazy about the first stanza, and was scared this would be yet another overworked love piece, but I was pretty impressed by some of the aspects of this. This was definitely my favorite stanza:

In notches of the table,
Old stories resurface painfully.
And the etched scars on my hands
Tell of unsent, yellowed letters.

There's just something intrinsically deep about this part, as though you're referring to an old story that the two of you could only completely understand. I like that.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Ahh! I loved this piece! I thought it pulled the more sad tone with a hint of resentment (maybe?) very well!I I feel that I know kind of what you are going through, missing someone far away, wondering if they feel the same.

I think there is only one mistake and one suggestion that I have caught... I think you could add a few commas at the end of a few lines, but it depends on how you want them read. Like in the first line of the fifth stanza, "You said you would miss me, but with every longing stare..." Feel free to keep it as it is though!

I also thought that the ending is a bit abrupt, because you are talking about remembering someone in others' smiles but end with, "You can't catch me anymore. I'm already on the ground."

Loved it!!(:

~chezka

I loved it
Oh lord how I know how you feel!! And you potrayed it so beautifully you ledgend!!
Ok first

I like to think your world is silent
whenever you’re not with me

LOVE LOVE LOVE!! I actually can't even describe how much i love that

And my courage seems to have fallen asleep

How poetic but unbelievably true i don't know how many times that has happened to me!

You said you would miss me,
but with every longing stare at my phone
three months break my heart.

i feel your pain!

This isn't much of a ''review'' I know I just wanted to say how much I loved your poem. You are very talented, don't ever doubt it