Young Writers Society

There is this inexplicable joy
That I get
Each time I try to employ
To or intelligently detect
The feelings I have when I
Speak or hear of You,
I feel as though to fly
Is something I was born to do.

Your positive charge of protons
My electrons, sustain.
Though my burdens are of tons,
My strength You promise I’ll regain.
Moreover, I love… Your arms,
It’s a place I’ll never depart, for,
The smell of Your embrace warms
The cold of my heart

There is this..this feel that I feel
This emptiness that is filled
This security You seal
When all go as You’ve willed
So many pictures,
No words…right enough
That, You, adequately captures
Has expression through words ever been so tough?

Oh my Groom,
Am not I the happiest bride?
You capture the room
Your…You expand so wide!!

If there were no reward for believing
No promise of a utopia in the tomorrows
I would still be here besotted, waiting
As eroded are the thoughts of sorrows.

So much do I bask in Your glory;
It’s the very fuel for my day
One closer to You is one without worry,
It’s one without flaw, frown or other dismay.
Though inadequate as these words are Father,
I know You read the heart
Read mine to comprehend these farther
And may we never grow apart.

This is a really good poem. You have a really good gift in writing poetyry, while i have no good skill in writing poetry. Keep up the good work
~Arah~

This is really great! Your word choice and sentence fluency is wonderful. You also set a very good mood to the poem. Great work! Keep writing!

I really like this poem.The way you bring the theme there,it really work as a great poem.Its just like a story line and easy to understand.


*If there were no reward for believing
No promise of a utopia in the tomorrows
I would still be here besotted, waiting
As eroded are the thoughts of sorrows.

*Especially this stanza.Oh my Gosh,nothing to say anymore.But wait,actually this poem can be shortened but still have the same meaning.By the way,it still the great poem from you guy.So keep writing,Okay!wish to see more masterpiece from you.

There is this inexplicable joy
That I get
Each time I try to employ
To or intelligently detect

Rhyming is more than just ending lines with words that rhyme. Rhyming relies upon a regular rhythm to work, and right now, your rhythm is a bit irregular, which leads to an off-feeling rhyme. In this case, deleting "intelligently" (which is rather awkward to say to begin with) would fix the rhythm issue here.

I did like the contrast in line lengths between the first and second lines, and deleting "intelligently" would help mirror that contrast, which in turn would place more emphasis on your rhyme.

Your positive charge of protons(comma)
My electrons, sustain.

And here you won me over with Chemistry imagery. XD I just wish there had been more.

That said, throughout this poem, there are a lot of oddities in the punctuation. Poetry follows the same conventions as regular writing, generally, and so I suggest you write this poem out in prose form to check that it is punctuated properly before breaking it back up into lines again. Rewriting it in prose form is also a good way to check that your rhymes are strong; if your poem still feels like it rhymes without any line breaks making them visible, then the rhymes will be all the more amazing when the line breaks are put back in.

Overall, you jump around a lot in your images. A bit more consistency in them would really add to your poem, as it would make your poem feel like it's one cohesive piece of work rather than a bunch of images cobbled together that sound pretty. Your imagery became more consistent near the end, but the beginning has a lot of jumping around.

I love this poem a lot you're a good writer.