Young Writers Society

Her eyes like flame bombs
and voice full of hatred.
A woman of fury
and unjust.

I will come to her,
when she's asleep.
With a cape of midnight
and feelings of thunder.
A spear in my right
and with speed of lightening, I shall strike.
Hits,screams and strong breathing,
then silence at last.

She has gone,
forever.
I will see her, never.

Light comes back to my life.
A smile on an ever frowned face,
which longed to see it.

Alas! It is just a dream,
but very true does it seem.
Shaking my head, then looking to the sky.
Why fury?
She'll eventually die.

It's okay, I'll try to endure it once more.
No fury, no anger, no counting to four.
I'm starting a new start,
once I walk passed that door.

I loved this poem, it showed how the person felt and it made the reader (Me) feel the same way. I love how it shows the anger, if that's not what you meant, okay, I am always told that poems are almost the only form of writing that is open for interpretation and I feel like this person really hated this woman.
my favorite line of the whole poem

She has gone,forever.I will see her never

this just stood out to me.
I love your writing, you're very good

Hey, Hemayed!

Yes, I can see the frustration in this poem and the urge to make that 'kill'. You've definitely made a point and you've managed to express the intents quite nicely. The descriptions and the imagery of it all is great. The language you've used is good and the entire context is understandable and quite relatable

I do feel that this poem is lacking somewhat however, since it doesn't really feel like it has managed to give everything that it can. There is still room for improvement.

HHemayed wrote:With a cape of midnight
and feelings of thunder.

This is a great line!

HHemayed wrote:and speed of lightening I shall strike.

This is a great line, but somehow, the word choice doesn't really suit the essence of this line. And you could perhaps change the 'and' into 'with'. That would make the line sound much better, I think. Also, you've also tried to rhyme this line with the previous line and the length doesn't really allow for a smooth flow. Remember, that when you rhyme, make sure that the syllables in each line sum up equally or are close to being equal.

HHemayed wrote:Hits,screams and strong breathing,

the slight error here is the spacing. It's not anything serious, but things like this are normally overlooked by the writer, so be more careful

HHemayed wrote:She has gone,
forever.
I will see her never.

Perhaps alternately phrasing like this:
She has gone forever
I shall see her, never!

You've given the poem an intensity to it and the ending, where things come into perspective for the persona, has been well portrayed. I do find the first stanza to be too long. Maybe dividing the stanza into three parts would make readability for the reader easier.

I like this piece a lot, but there were these minor problems that came in the way of its beauty. I don't normally give such strong critique, but I saw some great potential with this piece and I know you can make it better
I'm looking forward to more of your writing. So keep the ink flowing! You've got talent.

Murtuza

Hey, Hemayed! Rose here!

First off, this is a very good poem. I love the title; it's different than quite a few that I've seen. That makes it memorable, and being memorable is always good. There were a few things about it that I would change; I'm going to point them out for you and give you some advice as to how to fix them. Remember, your opinion is what matters most; if you disagree with my suggestions, stick with the way you like best!

She had eyes like flame bombs,
and a voice full of hatred,
a woman of fury
and injustice.
I will come to her
when she's asleep,
with a cape of midnight
and feelings of thunder.
With a spear in my right hand
and the speed of lightning,
I shall strike.
Hits,screams and strong breathing,
then silence at last.

I added and changed a few words here and there just to illustrate how I would make this flow better. Flow is very important in poetry; it's essential that the poem is attractive and easy for the reader to read. Otherwise, nobody will want to read what you write, and you don't want that.

Alas! It is just a dream,
but very true does it seem.
Shaking my head, then looking to the sky.
Why fury?
She'll eventually die.

I feel like this stanza gives me an opportunity to point out the other flaw I see with this piece, particularly in the second line. A lot of writers, myself included, try to come off sounding archaic by inverting words and putting them together in ways that sound old. Some writers are able to do it well; I'm not one of them. After posting a few works on here where I tried to write things that sounded old, other YWSers told me that it was coming off sounding forced and musty instead. That wasn't at all what I expected, but after looking back over it, I realized they were right. Now I stick with my writing style, and I don't try to write like somebody I'm not.

However, if you really like this style, commit to it. Stick with it until you are an expert at it, and then it'll sound flawless.

All in all, great piece! Always keep writing!

-Rose

Thank you guys! I really appreciate the effort you made in giving such lovely advice. Thanks very much. I'll see what i can do.

Hey there, just returning the favor for your review on my piece, Wonderful Tonight.

I was a bit confused in the beginning of this, but by the end, I felt enlightened and could relate to the author's feelings. I also realized that the confusion I had in the beginning could very well be a part of the mysterious feel you give this piece. Great imagery and rhyme, but sometimes, and even then only slightly, the rhythm is just a bit off. That's easily fixed, though. Overall, I really enjoyed this!! Keep up the fantastic work!

~Jess