Young Writers Society

I always saw colors in black and white,
and when I looked up the sky was dark grey.
The clouds were always present, day and night,
Frey was never there; Earth was in a fray.

I saw you when I looked across the yard,
you came to me and offered me your hand.
Our path was lit by rock with craters marred,
as we took a moonlit walk ‘cross the sand.

Now your hair is whipping in the strong wind,
your eyes tell me the truth and nothing else.
Your holy ways make me feel like I’ve sinned,
but even a sinner can hear the bells.

We met on that gorgeous midsummer’s eve,
And colors came back to me; I believe.

Hi PE!

I like the poem you have here because it's a solid poem. You have a good structure and good lines, and your rhyme is suitable if not brilliant. I'm not a fan of rhyme myself, so I'm trying not to think of why that's not working for me, I'll just confuse us both!

What I think your poem needs is to be a little more casual, for the language to open up to the modern way of talking, of thinking. At the moment your lines are full sentences and such, but they're stilted and uninteresting because they lack the kind of tone and cadence that regular speech has. Think of this how you sometimes really love how someone's voice sounds when they're reading something out, or on the television. They usually have excellent tone and a really interesting bent to how they say words and phrases. Your poetry wants to do the same thing. It would be really happy to fit into your regular mode of speech, rather than something you think poetry ought to look like. Loosen up your lines and let some fun in, that will help your poem to open up to the reader. At the moment there's a distance between your reader and your poem, because it's so cold, there's a relative amount of emotionless to this poem. This is your main problem at the moment, and it's holding your poem back in major ways.

If you do change this at all, tell me. I'll have more comments then.

Any questions, hit me up.
Penguin.

Hey, kiddo!

I agree, your rhyming is solid and it never felt awkward - none of this silly sacrificing meaning for rhyme crap! The only thing that bothered me about this poem was the line "Frey was never there." What does that mean? (I googled Frey and came up with a bunch of things that seemed to have nothing to do with your poem.) That's the only part where you kind of threw something in that made no sense. (At least to me.) So you may want to consider changing that.

But otherwise, this was actually really, really good, and I loved that last couplet. That was just great! (Did you do this for Papa's class?)

Glad to see more writing from you!

Love,
Blue

Hey there, just returning the favor for your review on Blue As The Sea.

I liked this piece. I'm not a poetry expert, but it was really good! I was a bit lost on some of the rhythms, but that might just be me. Your last two lines were absolutely gorgeous and I really wish the rest of the poem had this tone, because it was fantastic. Still though, it was overall a good piece. The only other complaint I have is that it's too short! I want to see more of this Keep up the good work!

~Jess

Bethy- Frey is the greek god of earth's fertility and peace. I couldn't see the flowers; earth was infertile and sad.
And yes, that is for Papa's class.

I love this poems so much.