Young Writers Society

I sit alone, lonely in
these empty halls,
with discernment and rapacity
contaminating the pure air.
"Faggot"

They lock all the doors
just to try to keep
my plague...
my disease... inside,
so I won't infect
this perfect humanity.

They think that
they lock me inside,
but rather they
lock themselves out.
Their poisonous words.
"Queer"
Away from me.

Your Toxic Tongues,
like revolvers,
are cocked and ready
to inflict your anguish,
"Filthy Fag"
upon anyone who says:
"You are wrong".

My blood is polluted
by your Toxic Tongues.
"Homo"
Your pure air is already tainted
with the poison that
reeks from your mouth.

Your breath fouls
the sordid air.
"Disgusting gay"
Rotting everything
with lies and deceit.

This, is your perfect humanity.
How can this be your perfect humanity?




This is a very very very personal poem which originally Mikko and the featured poems inspired me to put this on here. No this isn't about me and no I am not gay. I have nothing more to say about this, everything else is up to you to decide.


TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey, hey Dogs! HPR here, just returning the favour. And yeah, I know. According to the rating, this really isn't meant for me. But what to do? It's not like you used too many bad words, right?

So, this is a topic that a lot of YWSers are writing about isn't it? Even I want to write one now. XD Anyway, your poem was really good and meaningful. I don't have any critiques for you, just appreciation. I just think you should add a question mark instead of a full stop at the end. Otherwise, your poem really brings out the suffering and pain, y'know.

I really liked your poem. Sorry if this wasn't the review you expected. I just seems fine the way it is, and I don't think you need to change anything.

~Alice in Reviewland~

Hi dogs!
It's far by my turn to review something for you so here I am. Just like Bubbly (HPR) I am not really meant to be reading this, but anyways I am.

Well I liked this poem. The grammar was perfect and the storyline was very interesting. After reading the first stanza I really want to continue reading and slowly you unraveled what your poem was about. I really admire how put in the names people called you (or whoever this poem is about) in there. It went with it all and made the poem different and stand out from all the others, which is always good.

dogs wrote:Your Toxic Tongues,
like revolvers,
are cocked and ready
to inflict your anguish,
"Filthy Fag"
upon anyone who says:
"You are wrong".

That had to be my favourite verse by far. I love how it explained why you chose that certain title.

I think you did great job there, dogs.

Deanie x

This poem (as usual for you) is brilliant. I loved how you created so much empathy for the narrator by intergrating some of the insults people were calling him. I thought the final lines were brilliant, questioning the 'perfect' humanity/ society that we are all expected to conform to is one of my favourite themes in poetry, and you pulled it off in a unique way that had a huge impact on the reader.

Just amazing. XD

Hey, Tucker!

I'm liking the fact that more and more writers are shedding light onto this topic. It's definitely important for people to understand the story on the other side as well. Indeed, you've captured the essence of the context in its entirety. And no doubt, the words speak for themselves. But to me, this piece lacked artistic value as well as novelty since this sounds very similar to another poem like this that I've read. I guess, in the end it's a matter of whether you were able to make this your own or not.

However, I like that the POV is of the discriminated, rather than being from the narrator's point of view. It gives a more realistic appeal to the whole piece, I feel. The poem was losing me as it graduated, though. And I felt incomplete since it was a really half-hearten effort into writing something that should have been written with a vibrant and distinguishable form of verse and rhyme (since I know that you're great with that stuff). You had all these words scattered in the stanzas. You had placed the words 'Faggot', 'Homo', 'Gay' etc., in such an abrupt fashion. It was like you couldn't find a better place to keep them so you decided to just randomly fit those words in those respective stanzas.

Your pure air is already tainted
with the poison that
reeks from your mouth.

I found these lines to be quite unimpressive in comparison to the many other such possibilities of words that you could have chosen to make the point that you were trying to make. To me, it sounds childish, crass and lacks a sense of sophistication to it. As a poetic form of writing, not much of this piece adhered to the principles of poetic form. Then again, it was your choice to have this piece the way it is portrayed. So it might be just me. Though what I hoped for in this piece before reading it, was that you could have brought in a rhythm to it, some wonderful flow that deeply accentuates the persona's emotions and captures each moment of dread with dramatic and artistic usage of words. This poem missed out on all of that and more. When you truly feel strongly for something like this, it's best that you delve into the creative prowess that you have instead of steering away and making this a dull and a sort of pessimistic outlook for the reader.

In the poem, the persona speaks about cruelty of the society and their ways of avoiding such encounters with people like the persona by the words that you've mentioned. Thus, 'Toxic Tongue' as the title comes into play here well and I appreciate the fact that you've made this a very personal account of the persona. You've ticked all the correct boxes when it comes to wonderful context and backdrop as well as narration. But the delivery to me, was disappointing and could have been shown in a much crisper and elegant way than needed. There are already far too many poems with language like this and thus the originality of this piece suddenly loses its sheen. The revolution that you could have sparked, suddenly withers. You've done well by expressing your feelings in this piece and for that I really admire your motivation in writing this. We all need poems like this to make people stop in their tracks and actually take ponder at things to realize what society has become.

A fine attempt, no doubt and uniquely presented as well. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give this poem a 6. And for the poet, a 100 Please keep writing. Writing can change the world.

Murtuza

Oh DEAR!!! you nearly... i stress nearly made me cry.
Wow where did you learn to write like that??
I thought it was about you first, then obviously it wasn't. I really liked it.... honestly its sad though. How about something much more happy Tuck? Oh and show this poem to someone who needs to see it. maybe post it up somewhere it will be an awesome revelation.

Keep writing you are truly talented.