Young Writers Society

When you cry for me/when you mourn for lost pasts/when you shake me/to see if i'll come back/when you beg God/to spare the pain/when you cry for me/and no nought of hope/and drag yourself to the hearth/you grab a fistful of the dirt/that will be/the dividing wall between us/when you say goodbye/and pray to join/me/when you submit to sorrow/and let go/know/and believe/i am watching/closer to your heart/than i ever was/no coffin will separate/nor/never/extinguish the emotion i had/i might forget you/as i sing lovely glories/but soon,/if you hold back,soon/you will be by my side/harmonizing alleluia/.Amen.

I have to be honest and say this poem needs improvement.
For starters, the poem would look a whole lot better if it was in a proper poem format. There's no need for the slashes "/" and if you didn't have them, you'd be better off. All the slashes and the randomness in where the slashes are placed can really throw the reader off because they will be more concerned of reading it right than actually understanding whats happening.

[quote][/quote]
separate/nor/never/extinguish the emotion i had/i might forget you/as i sing lovely glories/but soon,/if you hold back,soon/you will be by my side/harmonizing alleluia/.Amen."

If you read this part of the poem, you can easily lose track of your purpose in writing this poem. It looks like you just put slashes everywhere you felt like because they're all over the place. Also, right before "Amen" is a period that is false punctuation. You want to be careful when you review these poems because just by that small grammar mistake can throw you or anyone off.

I suggest for the next piece you publish, is that you write whatever it is in the way its suppose to, and review it afterwards for any possible mistakes you made. Good Luck.

I hate to say it but this could use a lot of improvements.
1. please do not use slashes marks '/' instead of hitting enter and starting a new line, it makes the poem look less like poetry and more like a mindless blob. it also takes away from the flow of the poem itself.
2.When rhyming, do not force out a line just because you need for it to rhyme with something else you've got typed out. Poetry is about feeling, and feelings cannot be forced, therefore you should just let it flow.
3. When using repetition as a literary device, you must be conscious of where it should go and use it wisely. If repetition is used improperly, it can be seen as annoying and a lack of inspiration coming from the writer.
4. Please please please use spell check. If you use 'microsoft word' to type out your documents, the improperly spelled words will be underlined in red and you can use spell check to fix them.
5. I think you meant 'Hallelujah' and it just sounded awkward and more like a psalm from the bible and then a piece of poetry.
6. The ending made no sense and the slash marks became very irritating, if you put words on separate lines than they must come across as a powerful stanza. Your separation of words between lines was misused and therefore did not help out your writing.
I would consider revising and possibly reposting this. Keep trying.