Young Writers Society

Not my best piece... like, at all. It could use some work. But at the same time, I kinda liked the whole idea i had behind it, so i'd love to fix it

We fight and fight
With all our might
We struggle for
Our god given right
To walk this earth
Upon grass and dirt
Yet no one seems to dare
Ask the question
Hanging heavily in the air
Dear lord, if this is
Our god given right
Then do tell me why,
Why must we fight?
Do you find all the gore
To be entertaining?
Do you even care
How are lives are straining?
Upon these dark days,
It seems to never stop raining.
So god I must confess
Seeing as my life is a mess
I can trust you no more
My faith has closed its rusted door
And I ask again,
What is it we’re fighting for?

And this is why I am an atheist........ but thats a different story! Anywho!!!!! This is a really good poem despite your thoughts insanity . I really liked the idea behind this and can definitely relate to it which is another reason why it is a good poem. Why you have written here goes under the "philosophical" category of writing. Usually some of the best poems are this Philosophical style where you talk about an arguable idea or topic. I've only written one and I find that these poems have incredible power because it can challenge the readers ideals and ideas and it eventually can cause the reader to think about this topic and eventually go into an entire debate with themselves. Or at least thats what happens to me when I read these kinds of poems.

so really quick I have a few nit picks to throw on ya. Basically this poem is really good but you should add more grammar things like commas and what not. I personally hate grammar but it does, in the end, make your poem better. So for example when you say:

"We figh and fight
with all our might.
We struggle for
our god given right
to walk this earth,
upon the grass and dirt.
Yet know seems to dare
ask the question
hanging heavily in the air.
Dear lord, if this is
our god given right,
Then do tell me why."

And so on and so forth. Thats how you might consider writing this grammatically wise. Also when you say:

"Yet know seems to dare"

This dosn't make to much sense, I think that you might have meant "no" or "none". Personally I like it if you put "none" in where "know" is, that would sound better.

All and all this is great and I really have nothing else left to say about this. This definitely isn't your best poem I've read of yours but It is still excellent! Your writing is still always improving and never ceased to amaze me! Keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

Okay...So this is why I'm a Christian!
But yes: different story: moving on.

That was beautiful. Really. Since I've starting reading the poetry pieces on YWS, I've grown to appreciate and love them so much more! I love the depth of emotion and the heaviness of it all. And fitted into such a small space! I don't know how you do it

This section is my favourite, hands down:

My faith has closed its rusted door
And I ask again,
What is it we’re fighting for?

On top of that, I agree with Dogs about writing gramatically wise.

Well done, and keep it up!

NightWriter x

Let me begin my review of "The End" with this: I am a Catholic.

The next thing I would like to say is: It is important for us to keep believing no matter what.

The third thing I would like to say is that your poem is a true beauty.

The beauty I am talking about is the wonder and grace of escape and freedom. When someone is to strangled with all of the worldly things that befall onto us, he might just want to break free. And that is the essence I found in your poem. It seems that you want to let go of believing, in the poem of course. Because of the many things you're carrying, you can't secure religion to be held still.

You also narrated your poem in a very cynical, nonchalant way. The way where you don't care what others say. This is art. An overstatement of reality. A parody perhaps.

Dear lord, if this is
Our god given right
Then do tell me why,
Why must we fight?

For me, this is the best set of verses in the poem. The 'why' was repeated so emotionally and figuratively, adding effect to the poem.

Upon these dark days,
It seems to never stop raining.
So god I must confess
Seeing as my life is a mess

The verses above were great too. But it seems that "It seems to never stop raining" gives correlation or connection to any preceding or succeeding verse. The usage of 'so' in the next verse denotes that the 'raining' verse is a reason, but I can't understand why. I'm not telling you to change anything! I just said this for reader's sake, maybe some other readers also experience this, so, that's it!

Thanks for a great read! Keep writing!
Al

I just wanted to say that I love the ending of your poem, the way you sum it up so simply. I love the world issues you've pinpointed here and I agree wholeheartedly - most of the time in war (it seems), nobody knows what they're truly fighting for and this can make people lose faith or heart in themselves and things they used to hold dear. You are a great writer though some of the lines could maybe rhyme more clearly and at times it doesn't really seem to flow very poetically but I am not complaining in the slightest - I love you're poem!

I love the poem in general,

And I ask again,
What is it we’re fighting for?

this was my favorite line even though I'm not sure why
Keep up the good work.