Young Writers Society

I haven't been able to write recently. I don't know why, but here's a song (finally!). It's not so good but it just helped me to, at least, release some words onto paper.


Verse 1

When I close my eyes
the first thing I see is you;
join me, join me
you're holding me
and there's nothing I can do.


Verse 2

When I close my eyes
you're the one I'm dreaming of;
join me, join me
you pull me closer
and whisper words of love.


Bridge

I know it's just a dream
but I can't seem to let it go
'cause I know...


Chorus

You only love me in my dreams,
when I'm in a faraway land
and nothing's like what is seems;
you take hold of my hand.
You only love me in my dreams
where we lay in the fields
of strawberry lemon creams,
where you're my shield,
it's your name I'm calling,
save me I'm falling,
save me, I'm falling...
you only love me in my dreams.


Verse 3

Every night you return,
your beauty on my eyelids;
let's go, let's go
reaching out my fingers,
but my destiny forbids


Verse 4

Every night you return,
calling out my name;
let's go, let's go
and the feeling's so strong,
it's driving me insane.


Bridge

I know it's just a dream
but I can't seem to let it go
'cause I knwo...


Chorus x2


End

I know it's just a dream
but I can't seem to let it go
and I know that when I'll wake up
you'll be gone...

This made me want to cry a little. Its a really heartwrenching poem, but its also just so true. You did an amazing job. The one thing I didn't fully understand was the little "join me/let's go" bits. What are those signifying/saying? Other than that bit of confusion, I think that its really well written, and the little bits of rhyme really help it flow. Lovely job.

wow, you're quite the lyricist! I just wanted to mention that I absolutely loved your harry potter song and this didn't fail to meet my expectations. Beautifully written and has a very poetic flow to it. My favorite stanza had to be...

Mikko wrote:You only love me in my dreams,
when I'm in a faraway land
and nothing's like what is seems;
you take hold of my hand.
You only love me in my dreams
where we lay in the fields
of strawberry lemon creams,
where you're my shield,
it's your name I'm calling,
save me I'm falling,
save me, I'm falling...
you only love me in my dreams.

especially 'you only love in me min my dreams, where we lay in the fields, of strawberry lemon creams'
haha very cute

Mikko wrote:When I close my eyes
the first thing I see is you;
join me, join me
you're holding me
and there's nothing I can do.

"join me" doesn't quite make sense? join you... in what? add onto this to expand on the subject. why isn't there anything you can do? has he got you wrapped up in him too tight? just add some more detail into that and you should be perfect!
Keep writing!

MIKSTER!

I'm baaaack! I got your request, but I had a busy day; so I'm a tad late, but I definitely looked forward to reading it. I finally did, and I enjoyed it, actually! I really did like where it was going. It's still a bit weak and could use a little more... meat, I guess. I little more oomph. Your songs typically have a bit more background or depth to them, and this seemed very fluffy and light. I wouldn't say it's your best work, but it's still cute; and you could still do lots with it!

When I close my eyes
the first thing I see is you;
join me, join me
you're holding me
and there's nothing I can do.

I haven't quite figured out why she would want to do something or why this last line is significant in any way. It seems like just a way to rhyme with the second line.

I really do love the parallelism that corresponds with the first and second lines though. So awesome.

Chorus

You only love me in my dreams,
when I'm in a faraway land
and nothing's like what is seems;
you take hold of my hand.

So I do think the chorus is probably the weakest part of this song, but I can't quite pinpoint exactly why. I can definitely point out the two spots that are a bit wonky for me, and one of them is the last three lines in this part of it. They don't seem to flow together well grammatically and/or rhythmically. There's some weird flow stumble going on. I can't really explain 'cause I don't quite know... what. XD But it's weird. For instance, the last line seems a bit unrelated to where the previous two were going. The third line also seems rather cliche/overused. The concept in general is really awesome though, so I don't want to, like... completely bash it. It just feels weird!

Chorus

[...]
You only love me in my dreams
where we lay in the fields
of strawberry lemon creams,
where you're my shield,

This part is better than the previous part of the chorus, but the last line is still seemingly arbitrary with the previous two lines. I love the imagery though of the fields. So much win!

That's all the specifics I could point out, and hopefully my comments sort of make sense. XD The verses were simple while the chorus was complex, which is always a very intriguing toss up among lyrics. I think that works well though, considering it's such a light song anyway. The chorus would be something look at mostly.

Very nice job though! Let me know if you post more!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!