Young Writers Society

Drinking calories all day and all night
My favorite part was dancing with you under the moonlight
We left in your car and kissed under the stars
One wrong turn led to bruises and scars

Now I lay with you on the hospital bed
Even the doctors said you won't survive and can't be fed
Rembering the day where the clouds hovered us above
And all I can manage to say is Don't die my love

Just then you opened your beautiful brown eyes
I just shivered by my own awful cries
Then you whispered I love you with all my heart
I knew we were meant to be from the start


As I got ready for what I was about to say
I watched the last breath from you being taken away

That is so sad, i hate the ending though its my favorite part. Dont take this in a wrong way please but the last part was the only perfectly composed lines.

Drinking calories all day and all night
My favorite part was dancing with you under the moonlight
We left in your car, and kissed under the stars
One wrong turn led to bruises and scars

At the last turn, its not coordinated properly you go from smooth and sharply turn to a tragedy, and i don't feel it. I think you concentrated more on trying to get the rhyme.

Now I lay with you on the hospital bed
Even the doctors said you won't survive and can't be fed
Rembering the day where the clouds hovered us above
And all I can manage to say is Don't die my love

Spelling error: Remembering and i think you mean 'above us'

And at the last line i think you should take out the And and just start with all. It makes it flow much easily.

Just then you opened your beautiful brown eyes
I just shivered by my own awful cries
Then you whispered I love you with all my heart
I knew we were meant to be from the start

This is only me saying maybe you should put this in a much ordered way like

Just then you opened your beautiful brown eyes
while i shivered from my awful cries
You whispered softly into my ear " I love you with all my heart"
Then i knew without doubt, we were meant to be right from the start.

Its just me, don't take it at heart please.
And don't change the last part because its gut wrenching and the most beautiful part of this poem.

Hudz

Hello! Sarah here to review!
I liked this poem. It was pretty short, but carried enough emotion in it to fill up a whole page. I also congradulate you for rhyming (it's harder than it seems). However, there were some places where the flow seemed a little awkward, the tenses were odd, or the words felt cliche. Here is my revised version:

Drinking calories all day and all night
Dancing with you under the moonlight
We left in your truck and kissed under the stars
One wrong turn led to bruises and scars

I lay with you on the hospital bed
Ignoring the lies that the doctors said
I remembered the day when hopes rose above
And all I could say was Don't die my love

Then you opened your trustful brown eyes
I shuddered and let out an awful cry.
You whispered, I love you with all of my heart
I knew we were meant to be from the start

As I got ready for what I was about to say
I watched your last breath be taken away

Of course, these are just my opinions so feel free to make as many or as little changes as you want to. Anyway, I hope this was helpful and never stop writing!

sarahjane97 wrote:I lay with you on the hospital bed
Ignoring the lies that the doctors said
I remembered the day when hopes rose above
And all I could say was Don't die my love

I love this poem in its entirety! Such passion and depression flooded together as one. I think it is a little bit short, and could use some expanding, but that is entirely up to you. I also want to mention that for poetic twist, rendering certain lines to be more flowery might be of help. But it's just a suggestion.
For example, rather than "all I could say was don't die my love" (seeing as these are rather average every day words
'All my lips could muster to speak was,
Don't die my love.'
That's entirely up to you though, and it's just a suggestion. So overall, the poem was quite the beauty! Keep writing
(btw, i've read some of your older works and i must say, you've shown massive improvement! congratz!)