Young Writers Society

This is a poem I decided to write about how I have never had a boyfriend and don't really expect one. Thought I'd make it sound more woeful than it is. Thanks for viewing!


Sweet Valentine,
where are you hiding?
How is it I am alone on this day,
This dastardly day named February 14th,
that deems me alone?

Sweet Lover,
how have you evaded me?
How is it I have not found you yet?
This cruel, hopeless search that tempts me,
then deems me alone.

Sweet Man,
why can’t I speak to you?
How is it that when I see you my voice dies,
becoming some weak fraud that hides myself behind rage,
that deems me alone?

Sweet Fantasy,
who am I to deserve you?
How is it, my mind tells me I need you, so I can be me?
This strange feeling has no right to interfere in my dreams and imaginings.
Then deem me alone!

Sweet Valentine,
where do you run to?
How is it you think I fear being alone?
This dastardly day will come and go and I will stay.
Deeming me alive.


*************************

Whoa sweet girl, that's alot of sweet unhappiness.
Straight to the point..... I like it. It might use a little too much "sweet" in it, but i think that may be the word that weaves its way and binds your work together in an odd way.

Aw, poor love, why is it that everyone decides that they need a boyfriend... listen to me i have never had one nor will i ever have one (that may do with the fact that no one sees me, but still). Your life does not depend on a guy, especially one that is your age group. Don't be sad, if you ever need someone im here..... though i am a little annoying sometimes. Chin up love.

Hudz
XXXX

Hello there! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

First off, the subject of this is awesome. I was actually just thinking about Valentine's Day a few days ago and wondering if I'd be spending another one alone. Your poem evokes the feelings that I'm having right now, although mine are slightly different than yours (it's complicated). You made me identify with this, and that's always great. Good work there.

Sweet Valentine,
where are you hiding?
How is it I am alone on this day,
this dastardly day named February 14th,
that deems me alone?

This is a good start. You drew me into the piece and made me want to read more. I especially like the fourth line, namely the adjective "dastardly". It's a strong, vibrant word, and I always love to read words like it.

Sweet Man,
why can’t I speak to you?
How is it that when I see you my voice dies?
This evil trick of fate that makes me stumble over words,
that deems me alone.

I have a question about this part. In the previous stanza, you expressed feelings of frustration about how you aren't able to find your Valentine, yet in this part, you ask how you're unable to speak to him. If you haven't found him, how are you having problems speaking to him? It's just an observation.

The only major problem I see with this concerns the repetitious feel of the first and fifth lines of each stanza. It was interesting through the first two, but when I read the third and past that, it felt old. Perhaps you would reserve the repetition for the first and last stanzas in order to make it feel more special?

All in all, great work. Always keep writing!

-Rose

Hiya! It's me again! Al for my Quick Critique!

Concept & Theme:
You made a poem out of personal experience, but this cannot only happen to you, 'cause it happens to everyone. Bringing the readers on an idea makes a poem great. I also like your theme of Valentine's Day, which makes the poem more heartfelt.

Technicalities:
There are not much flaws in your piece. Just watch the 'period' after each 'Sweet ______' because the next verse makes the preceding idea whole. And about this verses:

Sweet Fantasy.
Who am I to deserve you?

I think the 'Whom am I' part doesn't fit the whole idea because you're asking why he can't be with you, not you who can never be with him; it's a different story y'know. You're trying to question him, not to praise him that he's all great and that's the reason why you can't e with him. Remember that everyone is worthy of someone, it's only in a matter of time.

Content:
I really like the technique you used here. You almost repeated the first verse. This effect connected each stanza as a whole. Also, I like the 'deemed' verses because they make the whole poem tip in one idea. The two last verses were my faves:

This dastardly day will come and go and I will stay.
Deeming me alive.

Simply beautiful; filled with hope and longing.

Overall:
You did a great job presenting your poem in words. It's very refreshing to see a poem about a day and a personal experience. I also think that this is one of your best pieces. Thanks for the great read!

Also, about your love prob, the right man will be coming. I just know it. I don't have a girlfriend too, but I think our soul mates aren't hiding from us, they're there, were just not noticing them.

Keep writing and believing,
Al

Your poem is beautiful. It has a whimsical feel to it especially if you read it aloud. The two emotions in it, sadness and love, really play off of each other. In short, this poem shows how people truly feel after a heartbreak. You still cling to love even though you are broken, and loving amisdst the sadness is all the more painful. There is only one technical problem that I see, and that is the period after the first line of every stanza. I think that adding a comma instead would just help the poem to flow more.


Rarity ♦