Young Writers Society

The pain is an empty, soulless cavern
My heart is a shattered crystal
Each shard will penetrate you
And make you hurt more than
You made me ache from the
Excruciating emptiness
The endless depths of your
Beautiful, green eyes will haunt me
Endlessly until I hurt you as
Much as you did to me
Everything is nothing
Nothing is everything.
You are my everything
You are all but my nothing
Darkness takes me in it's firm grasp
When my mind if full of images
Of your strange beauty
I do not love you, I all but hate you
My soul has been pierced
By love's sharp knife
Nothing is what I am feeling
Happy is what I am not
Crying does not heal the still open wounds
And time is irrelevant to even beginning to fix me

Wow. What amazing emotion. I love rant-y break-up poems (mine are mostly that). Here's some of my thoughts:

Endlessly until I hurt you as
Much as you did to me ---- I think you should take out the "to". It would flow better.

Nothing is what I am feeling
Happy is what I am not ----- These two lines were not as powerful as the rest of the poem.

I loved your ending. I think, to make this poem even better, you should try to include some more senses and imagery. I think adding punctuation would make it stronger. You have a little bit, but here's what I would do:

The pain is an empty, soulless cavern,
My heart is a shattered crystal.
Each shard will penetrate you
And make you hurt more than
You made me ache from the
Excruciating emptiness.
The endless depths of your
Beautiful, green eyes will haunt me
Endlessly until I hurt you as
Much as you did me.
Everything is nothing,
Nothing is everything.
You are my everything,
You are all but my nothing.
Darkness takes me in it's firm grasp
When my mind if full of images
Of your strange beauty.
I do not love you, I all but hate you.
My soul has been pierced
By love's sharp knife.
Nothing is what I am feeling,
Happy is what I am not.
Crying does not heal the still open wounds
And time is irrelevant to even beginning to fix me.

Thanks for posting this. It has potential. Hope he realizes what he missed out on.

Like amygabb wrote before me, I think this poem definitely has potential. You definitely poured your heart and soul into this, which makes it extremely rich with emotion.

I'm glad you didn't use a rhyme scheme, because personally I've develop a little dislike to the cheesiness that comes with one. So, bravo to that small detail! ^_^

Secondly, I would have loved if you put some more punctuation, indents...a little bit of variation to make the structure more interesting and compelling to read. If you add some real sentences, verses, separate lines...it will make this an even better piece to read. Because to be honest..I kind of lost interest a little over halfway through because it seemed a little predictable. Punctuation and variation with structure can definitely give this poem a little more *oomf*
A way you can do this is by reading your poem out loud, and where you pause you add a comma or period. Right now it seems like a lot of run on sentences.

Just a little more editing and creativity, and this will be great!

Keep writing!

<3 Sara.