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Tic. Tac. Toe.



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Wed May 12, 2010 11:42 am
CelticaNoir says...



Okay, this came out when I was playing tic-tac-toe. (Yeah, I was bored.) I haven't been writing for a while, so I'm not really sure how this came out. I also apologize in advance for the vague description of the chess game. I only ever played a formal chess match once, and that was six years ago, so...

Okay, enough chatter.

Tic. Tac. Toe.

Chess. Her entire world revolved around that single word, and as she moved a soldier forward, her opponent quickly moved to capture it with his knight. She gritted her teeth together. If she moved the queen, her king would be open and ripe for the taking. But as it was, she didn't have much choice.

She moved the queen forwards and captured the knight, hoping her opponent wouldn't see that opening.

He didn't. As he puzzled over the chess pieces, a young woman wearing a white uniform stepped into her line of vision, bending over her opponent.

"It's time for your injection, Mr. Lancer."

At the word injection, her opponent let out a strangled yell and stood up quickly, upsetting the chair he was sitting in. She stared at him with a sort of blank curiosity, waiting for him to make the next move.

He stepped back, eyes wide, and and made a break for the door, only to be caught from behind by the young woman. Several more people in white clothing converged upon him, and one put something long and thing into his arm. He screamed again, as if in pure agony, then his head slumped forwards, limp and heavy.

Then it was silence - blissful silence. As they took him away, she turned her gaze back on the chessboard and smiled.

She had won the game.

---

It had all started with a simple game of tic-tac-toe, really.

She clearly remembered him, a classmate with dark brown hair and intelligent blue eyes. He was quiet, shy, unreadable. He always sat down leaning against that old tree in the school grounds, his face hidden by books. Everyone ignored him - except for her. For some reason, he intrigued her. Which was probably why she sat down beside him that warm summer's day, a small smile on her baby-ish face.

"What are you doing?"

He glanced up momentarily from his book and stared at her, making her squirm. For some reason, those eyes made her feel...strange. Haunted, almost. "Studying."

"Oh."

He went back to his book without another word. She shifted uncomfortably, rather bored, before deciding to break the silence again. "You want to do something?"

He glanced up again. "What?"

"I don't know - maybe play a game of tic-tac-toe or something?" The moment she said it, she wanted to kick herself in the head. Seriously, tic-tac-toe? "I mean, we can - er - "

"Tic-tac-toe sounds fine." He sounded unperturbed. "Crosses or noughts?"

"Wha...?"

That was years ago. She had been fifteen then. They became close friends after that peculiar little meeting, and it continued well even after several - very odd - years. Then he entered a chess competition.

"A chess competition? I didn't know you played chess."

"You don't know a lot of things about me."

That had stung, badly. They argued. After that, he grew colder and colder towards her, and it had reached a peak where he'd switched his apartment, his phone number and even his email address. By the time she realised she lost him, it was too late. She cried herself to sleep every night, because it was then that she realised.

That she had loved him.

She took up chess. It was the only thing that she could do, at least. But every piece she played ripped through her mind thoroughly - every move was a pain. And she began to sink.

"Lillian, would you mind setting the table, dear?"

"I'm busy, mum."

"But, dear, it's just chess - "

"I told you, I'm busy!"

Her mum had left her alone after that - everyone did. It was as if chess was the only life that she had - as if no one else ever mattered. She began challenging everyone she came across to a match. No one could beat her.

The she saw him again one day.

"Daniel? Daniel!"

He refused to look at her, and started to walk off. By the time she turned the corner to look for him, he was already gone. And she was soaking in the rain.

She screamed.

When she came to, she was in a big, white room. Nobody told her anything - how she got here, or why. Or even where she was. All they did was check her temperature, make small talk, hurry out of the room. It was the same everyday.

She had figured it out, eventually, that she was in a mental ward. After all, they did say that even for a patient with her condition, she was remarkably calm and lucid. They didn't have much trouble managing her.

After a few years of living in a single room, they decided to give her a new roommate.

----

By the time her opponent had returned to the room, two days had already passed. He sat down on the chair opposite her, waiting for her to bring out the chess table. But instead of that, she gave him a pen and smiled at him, looking sickly sweet.

"Crosses or noughts, Daniel?"
Last edited by CelticaNoir on Mon May 17, 2010 8:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
I am the workingman, the inventor, the maker of the world's food and clothes.
I am the audience that witnesses history.
- Carl Sandburg, I am the People, the Mob
  





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Wed May 12, 2010 8:32 pm
Tenyo says...



Hey Lezalean :D

I love this! The idea and the story anyway, it's brilliant. But is it supposed to be a short story? I think you could do some amazing things if you turned this into a novella, or even a story of six or eight chapters long. It has potential.

As a short story it's very fast paced, and there isn't really time to get to know the characters before jumping so deep into it.

Don't worry about the chess game, vague descriptions are good. It's better to say 'her queen made the final move' instead of going through the moves. Keep in mind that in reading people want you to stimulate their imagination. Chess is a game for logicians. The two don't go together to well q:

Anyways, hope this helps.
-Ten
We were born to be amazing.
  





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Thu May 13, 2010 12:15 am
TurquoiseRoses says...



Heya.

Well, first let me say the first bit was amazing. I loved the mysterious feel of it, and the dark "Is she insane?" type quality. You had me hooked, I love a good read with a bit of a dark side. :D On the same token, I loved how you ended it. Awesome.

The one major criticism I have with is that it moves very fast, I really agree with Tenyo. You should really flush it out more, your characters are intriguing, and so is the premise. I just wanted more. You could easily make this a Novella.

I also really appreciate your choppy, to the point, matter-of-fact writing style. Its really refreshing.

So I am normally not one for nitpicks, because I feel on the whole it doesn't improve one's writing much, but one really made me stumble.

He was quiet, shy - bookish. He always sat down leaning against that old tree in the school grounds, his face hidden by books.


So ya, you say books twice, and that kind of made me stop. I would just change one of the words.

So I guess that's all I have.
Keep Writing!
  





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Thu May 13, 2010 2:23 am
Chal says...



Let me start off by saying this:

Bravo!

I really did enjoy this. I loved the twist at the end; it was a great way to end the story. It did seem to go by rather quickly, but overall I think you did very well with this story.
"Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead." ~Gene Fowler
  





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Wed Feb 23, 2011 2:28 am
eldEr says...



Leza. I am here-- and exhausted. *pants*

So, you want a style review, am I right? Well, I don't know how good I am at those, so I don't know how long/useful this will be. xD

I'll start off by saying that your style is scarily similar to what used to be like. It seemed a little... dull at first, or maybe that's just my overtired, unenthusiastic mood right now. Or a mixture of the two. Your sentences varied in length, but not quite enough for my taste. I like it when you have one long sentence, then one that consists of a few words, and then a mid-length sentence following... Not in that particular order, but I like them to variate a bit more than what they did here.

Also, I recall you saying that you used dashes - a lot - in chat today, am I right? Well, at first I was disappointed to see that you didn't have the same troublesome obsession with the things that I do, but you did end up using them a lot later on. This is my problem as much as it is yours, but, we should cut down on those, eh? xD Let's make it our goal to substitute a few of them with semi colons and periods.

CelticaNoir wrote:She shifted uncomfortably, rather bored, before deciding to break the silence again.


You also seem to do that ^ a lot. However, that is something that I like, so long as the whole story isn't too crowded in them. (I do that obsessively, too. Haha..ha.) It adds description, but watch how many you use. Too many can get repetitive, boring and annoying.

Oh gosh, I'm like, falling asleep on my keyboard here. xD Sorry to cut this so short, I hope that it helped a little! (Yay lame reviews!)

Anyways, before I fall asleep and never hit submit...

~~Cass
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?
  





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Thu Feb 24, 2011 4:37 pm
LaBelletrist says...



First, I'd like to say I like this. A lot. It's got a really good mood, and is incredibly interesting.

One thing I'd like to say is that there seems to be a lot of general explaining; other than their meeting, we get very little interaction between the narrator and Daniel. Tying into what the other reviewers said, this feels like it should be longer; either by expanding on what you have or continuing on from this to develop a larger story.
A big example of this is their fight and the aftermath; the simple style is a detrement in this particular part of the story, because more description is needed to feel the anger sparked in the fight.

I'm sure I could nitpick for you, but I felt like that would be more useful to you. : ) Happy writing, I can't wait to see more from you!
  





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Sun Mar 06, 2011 1:44 pm
CelticaNoir says...



Thanks guys! *beam* I think I might turn this into a novella after I finish writing my current one. Yup.
I am the workingman, the inventor, the maker of the world's food and clothes.
I am the audience that witnesses history.
- Carl Sandburg, I am the People, the Mob
  








Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein