z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

I Love Physics! [Ch. II, Nine]

by TheRebel2007


  • By the way, I have made a manga out of the first chapter. I can upload it if enough people like this stuff.

Quote of the Day: “Love conquers all, even dumbbells.” - Six

Salve, amice! Good day to you! It’s been a great day for me too! Jesse, today was one of the… days of all time. I need to learn a new language to describe it - I wonder if I should learn Latin like Sensei.

I woke up at 8:09 AM (sorry for being nine minutes late!) and went straight away to Sensei for training, but apparently, he was asleep. So, I came back to my room. I was so excited to train that I forgot to brush.

I was brushing when Six woke up. “Good morning!” I greeted her.

She yawned and said, “Uh, yeah, ohayo-o-o-o-o-o-o.”

Although you should already know it by now, Jesse, (since Six and I are anime addicts) “ohayo” means “good morning” or “hello”.

She rubbed her eyes and asked me, “Where’s my brush?” That’s when I realised I had mistaken my roommate’s brush for my own.

“Oh, I am so sorry!” I apologised.

“Ah, it’s all right.” She said as she created a new brush out of thin air.

I rinsed my mouth, drank some water, and sighed a long sigh.

She asked me, brushing her teeth, “What’s it, Kyu? What’s the long sigh for?”

If you are confused, Jesse, kyu means ‘nine’ in Japanese.

I replied, “I wonder when I’ll be able to do what you just did… Sigh…”

She rinsed her mouth, rustled my hair, and said, “Don’t worry, Nine, you will be the best of us one day. Zero has said so.”

“What did he see in ME?” I demanded, “I, who can barely bend a spoon held at a hand’s distance?! How am I ever going to master the Dark Field!”

“Listen, Nine, “ she patted my shoulders, “Zero is a jerk, but I’ve never known him to lie. He told us all that you possess near-limitless potential. It’s just that you haven’t yet realised it.”

“I don’t even have any idea about how the Dark Field works,” I said, with frustration bursting out from my voice, “I have unified Quantum Mechanics and Relativity, I have tried to incorporate String Theory into the mix, I have gone through every possible solution to Einstein’s Field Equations! How in the world of the atheist god can you create infinite energy out of literally nothing?! IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, ATHEIST-GOD-DAMNIT -”

Six made a lollipop out of thin air and stuck it in my mouth, saying, “Bro, chill.”

Six has always been nice to me. Whenever I am down, she always tries to brighten up my mood - and honestly, I am grateful to her for that.

“Listen, Nine,” she said, clasping my hands and rustling my hair like an elder sister, “you are the most brilliant human who has ever existed. You have defeated Stockfish 19 - the most powerful chess bot of all time, you can multiply 69-digit numbers in the blink of an eye, you broke through NASA’s firewall at the age of three, you have designed the most powerful supercomputer in existence, you have extraordinary senses of perception, you have composed the most popular songs of this decade - Oh no, I didn’t mean -”

“BUT I CAN’T SING!” I burst out, wailing, “I can’t DANCE! I can’t DRAW! Nor PAINT! I can barely sketch… and I can barely calculate the rightmost hundred thousand digits of Graham’s Number…”

She tried to console me, “It’s alright!!! You will be able to do all that someday! You are just fifteen! You are immortal! You have an infinite amount of time to do all that!”

“But you are just seventeen, and you can sing and dance so well… if it weren’t for you, none of my songs would have seen the light of day. That would have been better, honestly…” I sniffed.

“Oh, c’mon! It’s alright!” She created a handkerchief to wipe off my tears, and said, “Don’t cry! Your adorable face doesn’t deserve disdain nor dismay, it deserves dancing daisies and dandelions.”

That alliterative apocalypse of apical adoration aroused affection in me and made me smile.

“Alright, now, attaboy,” said Six, “It’s gonna be a while before that jerk wakes up and trains you, let me train you if you don’t mind.”

I said gleefully, “Sure!”

She asked me, “So, what’s the most massive thing you can pick up from afar?”

I stuttered, “Uh - uh - I-I don’t know…”

She made a 100 kg dumbbell and told me, “Lift that.”

I exclaimed, “I can’t lift that with my hands, how can I lift that with the Dark Field!”

She transfigured it to a 10 kg ball and asked me, “Can you lift that?”

“Let me try…”

I pointed my hand at the ball and concentrated on the thought of lifting it and… it moved an inch or two and rolled for a bit, but it didn’t get a millimetre off the ground. Sigh.

“C’mon, it’s alright,” said Six as she reduced the dumbbell’s mass to a kilogram, “just concentrate on the thing you want to do, forget that anything else exists or matters. Concentrate.”

Confused, I asked, “But how do you do that? Like, how do I know if I have concentrated enough?”

“Eh,” Six, after thinking for a second, chuckled and said, “Concentrate as if you are in love with the dumbbell - you will know.”

I grimaced, “Seriously, Six? -_-”

Unfortunately, I am unaware of any animal having amorous affinities towards inanimate objects. And since we are animals, after all, I doubt if I would be able to do that either. Still, tongue in cheek, I tried concentrating as if I were in love with the dumbbell. And lo and behold! - It levitated languidly, lavishing on my love.

“See?” said Six, chuckling, “Love conquers all, even dumbbells.”

I couldn’t stop laughing after hearing that.

It’s ten o’clock. After I stopped rolling on the floor, laughing (quite literally, mind you), I wondered aloud, “When’s Sensei gonna wake up?”

“Knowing that jerk, not before eleven-thirty, “ said Six.

I asked her, “Why do you hate him so much? He’s not that bad.”

Six, taken aback a bit, said, “What, you don’t know about that?”

“Uh,” I stuttered, “About what, exactly? I mean, yeah, he slaughtered every Nazi and Fascist - that was too brutal, but at least, he prevented another Great War.”

“No, not that,” said she.

I said, “Oh, so you are talking about when he vapourised every weapon in existence, took over the world, and declared May 2nd as ‘World Leonardo da Vinci Mourning Day’? I mean, yeah, that was a bit too much.”

“Not that either,” said she.

I asked, “Then, what is it?”

She replied, “You don’t know about that? Well, it’s better that way. You are too young to learn about horrible stuff like that.”

Nani!? You are just two years older than me! C’mon, tell me!” I demanded, poking at her shoulders, “Is it because he knows everything that happened since the beginning of time and is too lazy to share it? Is it because he granted civil rights to AI? Is it because he is a narcissistic, nihilistic anarchist? Is it because he smells so bad? Or is it-?”

“Oh shut up, will you?” said Six, clearly frustrated by my cacophony, “You don’t know about what he did to One?”

“One?” I asked, surprised, “What did he do with the creator of One Punch Man?”

“Not that one,” facepalmed Six, “The other One.”

I asked, “Which one?”

She said, clearly irritated, “Agent One, baka. How on Earth do you have 234 IQ?”

I scratched my hair and replied, “Oh, you mean the First Agent of Fun? I have never seen her really, so I forgot she exists. But I know she and Zero had a son, Agent Two - the most powerful among all the Agents, after Zero.”

Six said, “You won’t wanna know what he did to her…”

“What?” said I, “he cheated her or something? I mean, Salai is not the type for a permanent relationship, you know.”

“NEVER.”

Six suddenly burst into a fit of rage, her crimson hair levitated - surrounded by scarlet hues. The ambience of the room changed into that of raging fire, full of fury, despair and agony. I felt like I was going to burn alive.

She screamed, “NEVER. SAY. HIS. NAME. IN. FRONT. OF-”

I couldn’t hear anymore, it felt like my eardrums burst. My head was filled with so much noise that it felt like I was gyrating in a washing machine (yes, I know how that feels, Jesse, I have been in a washing machine before, that's a story for another time). All the things in the room were on fire as they moved like Brownian motion through the air. I was about to die.

I thought this was my end, so I said my supposed last words: “I love Physics!”

But, Jesse, I am writing this because I am alive, so that’s not the end. When my eyes closed, there was darkness everywhere - without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. Then the Spirit of Kindness moved upon the face of the abyss, and Two said, Let there be light: and there was light.

I had fainted for about ten minutes. When I came to, I found myself on my bed. I felt tears flowing freely down my face and the bawling Six holding me tightly.

“I am SO SORRY, Nine! I am so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o sorry-y-y-y-y-y-y. Gomen-ne, Kyu-kun-n-n-n-n-n,” wailed Six, with her arms wrapped tightly around me, “believe me, I didn’t want to hurt you. I just couldn’t control my anger… I guess that’s what you get for being the Agent of Fury… I am SO SORRY!”

I opened my eyes and shook my head to process exactly what was happening. Then I saw Six and Two - and realised that I almost died again due to another one of Six’s fits of fury. Strangely enough, I felt light and happy inside as if kindness itself had revived my soul.

I said, unsarcastically, “So - I am alive, I guess?”

Six wiped away her tears and asked me, “Daijobu desu ka, Kyu-kun?”

Jesse, she asked me if I was okay or not. You should have understood it, Jesse, this isn’t Planck Mechanics!

“Stop crying, Six, daijobu,” I replied, “and yeah, thank you, Two!”

“It’s my duty, Nine,” said he, “You would’ve been cooked to death - I had to calm Six down. Just look around the room.”

I looked around - The red marble floor had turned into lime and ash, the wooden furniture had vapourised, and all the plastic had melted and formed little puddles of molten inorganic carbon compounds which almost resembled volcanic lava flow.

I, concerned, said, “Uh - how am I alive exactly? This bed and I should have vapourised.”

Two frankly replied, “I don’t know about you, but I made this bed after I calmed down Six and healed your burns.”

Six said, “This is the eighth time you barely scraped by being killed by me because I couldn’t control myself…” She looked down at the floor and started rebuilding the room. The ash and lime reverted to red marble, the wooden furniture appeared from thin air, and all the plastic appliances reformed into their proper shapes. After she was done, she laid down on her bed, took a pillow, wrapped herself around a blanket and started weeping silently.

She whispered audibly, “It’s all because of that goddamn Zero, the bane of our existence… He keeps me and Nine together ‘coz ‘haha, Six and Nine - sixty-nine - funny number’... Only if I could do something about it… Only if any of us could reach his level of infinite power…” and kept cursing Zero.

Two was about to go and console her, but I held his shoulder and shook my head. I whispered to him, “Let her be, she will heal in a bit.”

After two minutes (exactly), Six rose and shone like a glowing star and asked me, “Wanna continue our training?”

“Yeah,” I said, “but first, I want to know what Agent I am.”

Two said, “That’s something you got to know by yourself.”

I replied, “But how?”

Six said, “It’s the emotion that you are naturally inclined to. Like, Two is kind. Zero shows no emotions. Four is gloomy and Five is gleeful. I am angry. Eight is disappointed. What are you? What do you like to do?”

I stuttered, “I - uh - I-I guess, I like to know stuff? Maybe?”

Two replied, “Curiosity is not exactly an emotion, it’s a tendency. Anything else?”

I said, still visibly confused, “I-I-I don’t know… Maybe, frustration…?”

Six said, “No, Seven is Frustration, she’s annoyed all the time. Two Agents of the Dark cannot have the same power of the emotional spectrum.”

I surrendered, “I don’t know then… I have to mull this over for a while. Sigh.”

Two tried to cheer me up, “Come one, Nine, don’t give up! Let me try and help you.”

Six said sceptically, “How exactly?”

Two said, “Let me think… Let’s try listing all the emotions of all the Dark Field Agents.”

I was cheered up again, saying, “Great idea! Let’s see, Zero represents a lack of emotions, Two is kind, Three is bored, Four is sad, and Five is happy, Six is angry; Seven is frustrated, Eight is disappointed. Whom did I miss? Uh…”

Six said, “You missed One.”

I asked, “What is One?”

Two replied, “My mother is hateful.”

I said, “Oh… So, which emotion is left?”

We all said “Hmm…” in symphony. Gloom, glee, anger, irritation, boredom, kindness, disappointment, hatred… Hmm… Wait a minute, hatred… OH!

We all said together, once again in symphony, “LOVE!”

Two said, “Only love is left! Nine, do you love?”

Six jumped in, “Remember when you couldn’t lift the dumbbells but when I told you to love it, you lifted it easily? You must be Love!”

I said, “I guess? I love doing everything, so maybe I am Love.”

Six said, “Alright, let’s test it. What do you love the most?”

I replied, “Music? Knowledge? I don’t know exact-”

She interrupted, “Think of an object! What thing do you love the most?”

I said, “Do you count? Oh wait no, I didn’t mean to flirt or anything-”

She said, unfazed, “I know, I know. Think of a thing! A thing! Anything!”

I thought for a while and said, “A telescope? Maybe?”

She said, “Then try to create a telescope! A very basic one, for starters.”

I said, visibly stunned, “Are you crazy? I can’t even-”

Six interrupted me, “Shut up and love your telescope and make another one!”

I said, “Okay…”

I tried to remember Galileo, my first-ever telescope… I remember it vividly, Zero made it for me when I was two. It was little but it was extremely powerful. I remember every part of it - I had taken him apart and gone through every mechanism and each lens. I had seen Charon, Ceres, Pluto, Io, and even some comets with him…

I was lost in memories when suddenly I saw Galileo lying in my hands. I have created matter!

“Yay!!!” We all shouted in unison.

It was 12:07 PM when I had finished writing till this point. Jesse, I just saw Eight teleport in front of his room, so I asked him to check if Zero’s awake. I will go and train now. See you later, Jesse!

Next Chapter: Uh, This Is Weird…


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Thu May 02, 2024 7:26 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, curious mind!



Amaya here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

Well, this is another great chapter of Nine, I love the title of the chapter itself. My compliments to your dialogues and new set of characters.

Firstly, great use of dialogue and amazing introduction of the new characters (six and two). Your dialogues really drive your chapter which is a good thing, but I would definitely suggest you to think about adding a few more descriptions to your surroundings and background.

Next up Six comes over as a really nice character, even though she has such a fiery soul. but I’d like to see more descriptions of her from my perspective as a reader. Like how does she look? Or what is her favourite sth, it doesn’t matter, just a little background information for your reader to go on and get to know her better.

You’ve been using dialogue to bring her personality forward, which is amazing. For example, this part where she reacts to Nine saying Zero’s real name in front of her.
“NEVER. SAY. HIS. NAME. IN. FRONT. OF-”


Lastly, as I read from your replies to Rose and Orabella, Jesse’s Nine’s diary. I honestly think this isn’t too clear, so maybe you want to take another look at that. Because now I get the perspective that Jesse is some kind of Pen pal of Nine.

I hope this can help you!

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Amaya Statham
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉




TheRebel2007 says...


Thank you so much for your review, Amaya! :p

Well, I thought of giving extra details about the appearances and looks of what's around Nine - but since it's a diary, it would be a bit unnatural for Nine to write everyday, mundane things. Don't worry, by the way, there are a ton of details in Ch. IV & V, but you might find the next chapter a bit too chaotic because, well, it is chaotic. And yes, about Jesse, Nine has stated directly in the first line of the latest chapter (Ch. V, IIRC) that Jesse is his "dear diary", so I think that settles it.

Again, thanks for the review! :p



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Wed Mar 27, 2024 5:28 am
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OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...



Hi there! Orabella again, here to review!^^

Like Six, I am so so so sorry about the delay! That is entirely my bad! (I may or may not have good time management skills... <.< >.> ) But anyway, I'm here now, and I'm hoping to finish reviewing what you have so far before next week, as long as nothing gets in the way. :D

Also, I'd love to see your manga! I love seeing writing and art combined. :D

Out of the two chapters I've read so far (a lot, I know), this is my favorite. We get to see so much of a bunch of different characters, and we see more about the world and how it works with its different characters. Also, this has got some great humor in it, and I am all here for that. :)

“Love conquers all, even dumbbells.”

Quote of the day indeed! It's one of my favorite parts; like Nine, I thought it was absolutly hilarious and if I wasn't in a room with people in it that would've questioned me, I would be laughing out loud! Also, I love how it was connected to Nine later on, and the way you snuck that connection in was very smooth and well done.

Jesse, today was one of the…

Okay, so this bit confused me, as well as a few other bits later on. I wasn't expecting the sudden name Jesse, and I was didn't know who Nine was referring to, and so I felt a bit lost. As we see later on...
But, Jesse, I am writing this because I am alive, so that’s not the end.

...Nine is probably writing a letter to Jesse, right? If I was to suggest anything, it would be to make this more obvious closer to the beginning. It felt confusing and random, and I felt like I missed something important.

She said as she created a new brush out of thin air.

I love how casually she does this, and how casually you sneak this in, as if it's the most normal thing in the world. (Well, I mean, to her it is) I also love the repetition of this information throughout the chapter; it's clear what she can do and the way she does it, and the fact that she does it so much can reveal a bit about her character, which I thought was such a neat way to do it.

“you are the most brilliant human who has ever existed.

You know, at first this seems like she's just saying it because he probably is a smart kid, but after reading the next few paragraphs you realize that, hey, she's not really exaggerating here, is she? Also, even though they do seem magical and are immortal, you do confirm that they're humans, so that's good to know.

you broke through NASA’s firewall at the age of three, you have designed the most powerful supercomputer in existence,

Oh. Well. That's not something you hear everyday! Gosh, Nine really is something incredible, isn't he? Breaking through anything at the age of three is in itself incredible, but he's not just smart, is he? He's, like, actually a genius, and a talented one at that.

That alliterative apocalypse of apical adoration aroused affection in me and made me smile.

Haha, this made me laugh. I love also that you added a bunch of alliteration throughout the chapter, and not just here. That was a fun touch and it made me smile whenever I saw it.

After I stopped rolling on the floor, laughing (quite literally, mind you)

Not only is this a great way to show more of his character (easily entertained, very comfortable around Six; maybe not very shy?, excitable, etc.), but it also is just fun to see. I get the feeling that not everything will always be as great for Nine as it is now (or we wouldn't have as much of a story).

“Oh, so you are talking about when he vapourised every weapon in existence, took over the world, and declared May 2nd as ‘World Leonardo da Vinci Mourning Day’? I mean, yeah, that was a bit too much.”

“Is it because he knows everything that happened since the beginning of time and is too lazy to share it? Is it because he granted civil rights to AI? Is it because he is a narcissistic, nihilistic anarchist?

Before, Nine is just like, what do you mean you don't like him? And then continues to list disturbing things he has done/is like, and the fact that he did that made me want to laugh. Also, how everything is really bad, like, evil bad, and then it's just, "Is it because he smells so bad?"
Definitely not gaining any confidence about Zero maybe potentially not being the worst person here... in fact I'd say it's quite the opposite.

“NEVER. SAY. HIS. NAME. IN. FRONT. OF-”

Whoa. didn't expect that. I wonder why she doesn't want to hear that name? Oh it does make someone ponder... I also didn't expect her to get so angry, but obviously we learn more about her after that and now I'm like, yeah, this makes sense.

My head was filled with so much noise that it felt like I was gyrating in a washing machine (yes, I know how that feels, Jesse, I have been in a washing machine before, that's a story for another time)

He's been in a washing machine?? Now that I didn't expect. I'd love to hear that story; it sounds so funny! How did that even come to happen! Also, I love the way you wrote this; it's so funny and you do it multiple times, but it doesn't become old, and even in tense parts of the story, it doesn't really take you out of it! (Which is a bit of a risk if you use parentheses too much (says the person who is using a ridiculous amount of parentheses in her review right now))

I thought this was my end, so I said my supposed last words: “I love Physics!”

I love that he wants those to be his last words. And here's where the title comes in! I could not think of a better chapter title for this one, and it just clicked so nicely at this line!

This is the eighth time you barely scraped by being killed by me because I couldn’t control myself…”

OH. THAT'S... not concerning. Uhm... Maybe be a little more careful, next time, eh Six? Killing your friend... doesn't sound... great...

Six said, “It’s the emotion that you are naturally inclined to. Like, Two is kind. Zero shows no emotions. Four is gloomy and Five is gleeful. I am angry. Eight is disappointed. What are you? What do you like to do?”

Two Agents of the Dark cannot have the same power of the emotional spectrum.”

Ooh, tons of information here! Okay, so there are a bunch of agents, and they're called the Agents of the Dark, and they each have individual powers based on their emotions. That's a really cool idea actually I love that...

I surrendered, “I don’t know then… I have to mull this over for a while. Sigh.”

Instead of writing, "sigh" I might suggest writing "he sighed" or something of the sorts. The way you have it now makes it seem like he is actually saying sigh, which may or may not be what you're going for?

We all said together, once again in symphony, “LOVE!”

I love (pun not intended) how they figure it out together like that. I feel like the reader (or at least me) is piecing it together right along with the characters at the same pace.

“Shut up and love your telescope and make another one!”

I don't think that's something I've ever heard before either. XD I love it so much. It, again again, makes me want to laugh. I'd say it could even rival your other quote, "Love conquers all, even dumbbells."

Annd... that's it for now. Remember to take what you thought was helpful and forget the rest. I'm just a reviewer, but you are the author and this is your story.

Also, I wanted to ask, was the way I formatted it better here or in my previous review? Quoting whole sections skips past a lot, but small sections doesn't get everything; I just wanna know what was most helpful for you? I want to be at least a little helpful when writing reviews, and if I'm not, please tell me! I'm here to be as helpful as I can, and if I'm not, then I want to fix that!

Thank you so much for writing and sharing! I can tell you me and my bunnies thoroughly enjoyed reading, and we can't wait to read the next one! (If only we had more hours in a day... *sigh*) Have an amazing day/night, and keep writing!




TheRebel2007 says...


Thanks for the review, Orabella! Actually, Jesse is the name of his diary (it'll become a bit more clear in the fifth chapter I am currently writing). And yes, about Zero/Salai, he is definitely not the best person in the group, but I can assure you that there is an even worse person among the Agents - Hint: look over the emotions of the various Agents.

And yes, about your review style. To be honest, I prefer the previous formatting. And yes, don't worry about not being helpful - you and your bunnies are definitely very helpful! :p

Finally, you can take your time writing the reviews, it's alright! (It's not like you get to read overpowered characters bantering about stupid stuff all the time. XD) Thanks again! :p





Ohhh a diary, that makes so much more sense. And ooh... An even worse person? It's probably One... Doesn't sound like she has the best relationship with her daughter either, which is sad.

Good to know about the review style! I know I'll have time later today so hopefully I can review it then. :) Thanks for being so kind and understanding. :D



TheRebel2007 says...


Hehe, it's alright, we all have our busy days! :p

And, uh, I am not exactly sure where you got the idea that One has a daughter - Two is her son. Tell me if I miswrote something in the chapters that might lead to that assumption. Thank you again! :p





Ohhh, whoops. I found my mistake.

When I read this through, I thought Six said this:

Two replied, %u201CMy mother is hateful.%u201D


That's my bad and my silly reading skills. :p



TheRebel2007 says...


Oh, it%u2019s alright! It happens to the best of us, no need to feel bad about it! :p



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Rose wrote a review...



Honk! HonkReview!

Aloha! On a journey to find the elusive Goose of YWS, I noticed feathers and Goose prints scattered across your work. Armed with the ‘HonkReview’, let’s take a closer look here. Ready for a literary adventure?

First Honk Impressions 📣First Impressions
Diving in this next chapter, we get to know more about the other agents living in the future. This is told through the perspective of Nine, as he's sending a letter to his friend, Jesse. All your characters have a unique personality and Nine has his too. You definitely maintained the humour throughout this chapter, it adds a lot of colour to the story.
You have an intriguing title as well. At the beginning, it was something new, I didn't see the connection to the story yet. But I must say, I literally cracked up at the part of Nine's supposedly last words. xD

Feathered Insights 🪶Suggestions and tips
Telling this part through Nine's perspective is just remarkable. Not only do we get to a fresh look on the scene but we get to more about Zero's favourite student. He's a fifteen year old kid and he has already defeated the most powerful chess bot, designed the most complex computer and even broke through NASA's firewalls? I'm shocked he isn't the agent of intelligence xD

Nine is actually writing his thoughts of the day to Jesse, however, it isn't clear who is friend is and why he's writing to him. Is he also an agent? Perhaps you could provide a bit more info about Jesse through Nine's letter. For example, some actions or thoughts of Nine could remind him of a certain thing about Jesse or a fun memory about something he and Jesse experienced together. Thereby you could also reveal how Jesse reacted, therefore revealing something about his personality.

Additionally, something you could consider doing is adding more thoughts. Thoughts can take the place of descriptions. And they don't have to be indescribable and complex descriptions turned into thoughts, even something simple can make it a bit more lively. And perhaps, instead of writing a letter a few times for a way of talking, try to indicate it through his 'descriptions'.

For instance, here's a before:

I woke up at 8:09 AM (sorry for being nine minutes late!) and went straight away to Sensei for training, but apparently, he was asleep. So, I came back to my room. I was so excited to train that I forgot to brush.

I was brushing when Six woke up. “Good morning!” I greeted her.



And an after:
I woke up at 8:09 AM (sorry for being nine minutes late!), the room was quiet but my mind was bursting with thoughts. I got up, ruffled my hair in some strange way (yes, I was too lazy to brush it) and went straight away to Sensei for training. I was bursting with excitement, my mind was so focused on the training that I forgot to brush.

But apparently, when I reached his place, he was asleep (so much for that training). So, I came back to my room and finally decided to brush my teeth with that purple toothpaste we always squirted on the mirror for some reason.

I was still busy brushing when Six woke up. Yes, she still sleeps in. I'm beginning to think it has become a hobby for her now.

“Good morning!” I greeted her with the toothbrush in my mouth. I sounded like a squirrel singing.

This is just an example of how you could enhance the descriptions and the thoughts of Nine. Keep in mind, that I just wanted to help with an example and did not mean to change or criticise your story in any way.

Furthermore, in this new chapter, a new thing comes forward; Nine's powers. While the process of unlocking their powers is clear and definitely fascinating, I didn't quite understand the nature of them. Are the powers gifts that they receive in some way? Or are people in the future born with it?

A new world is always great, but understanding it makes it interesting. It's difficult to orientate within a world you don't understand. If it were a person on a quest, the reader would be exploring the world with the protagonist. But in this case, your characters are familiar with the world and its quirks, it is than only the reader that needs some updates then.

But do keep in mind, the decision of taking these suggestions into account is entirely up to you. :-)

Goosebumps 🔥Favourite quotes / parts
Before I point out any other parts, I have to put this one first.

All the things in the room were on fire as they moved like Brownian motion through the air. I was about to die.

I thought this was my end, so I said my supposed last words: “I love Physics!”


I absolutely loved this part, to know what your dying words will be and have rehearsed it that you are so certain of it is just so silly and the fact that it's his love for physics is hilarious xD. Your dialogue is casual, simple and just so a crucial part of your story, it's incredible!

I said, “Oh, so you are talking about when he vapourised every weapon in existence, took over the world, and declared May 2nd as ‘World Leonardo da Vinci Mourning Day’? I mean, yeah, that was a bit too much.”

This is also one of my favourite parts. We get to know a bit more about Zero (and he might just become my favourite character, along with Nine. They would make a fine duo :D). Zero seems like the drama queen in the midst of all serious agents, like a Tony Stark in the group of Avengers xD.
Oh and Leo again! The use of other language in your story makes it fun to read.

Eggcellent Inspiration 🥚Inspiration from other works
Check out RIFT from @StarGuardian and Planetbound: Chapter 1.1 by @Spearmint for some eggcellent inspiration and ideas for your own storytelling!

'Rift' is a story about two friends (probably same age as agent Nine) who end up in a mysterious tunnel under their school. StarGuardian brings the perfect humour to the overall suspenseful story by introducing their casual and supporting friendship.

Spearmint wrote a cool science fiction story, introducing a different world in almost the same style as your tale. She describes the world through the thoughts of the protagonist.


Goose Farewell Flight 🪿Conclusion
Everything in all and all in everything, you've written another great chapter of the tale and it was a gem. With just a few improvements you could enhance the impact of the tale. Looking forward to the next one :)

Whoops! There goes that ambitious Goose. Hope to have dropped some “Goose love” and valuable golden eggs. Until our next encounter, wishing you good luck with your future writing projects!

Got a Goose to catch, Goodbye!
Rose

Spoiler! :

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TheRebel2007 says...


Thank you so much, Rose, for another awesome review! :p

I am sorry, I should have made it clearer (it would be clear in the next chapter), Jesse is the name of his diary XD. And the rest (powers, other characters, the timeline) will slowly be revealed in the following chapters. Thank you again, I love your reviews! :p

P.S.: I hope you find your goose soon enough. XD



Rose says...


His diary! Oops, sorry. Must have got my wires crossed %uD83D%uDE2C. But glad to hear that the review was of value :) Also, fingers crossed for that elusive goose! :D




Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
— Martin Luther King Jr.